The Mental Hall of Mirrors Post (or why I’m working on body acceptance)

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So, a little while ago, this happened during an appointment with a physiotherapist about a persistent back pain:

[Mid-diagnosis] “…and when you’re petite this injury tends to happen more often…”

I instantly felt myself blush. I had an urge to correct her; to tell her she was mistaken – I’m not a petite person! She must be thinking of someone else.

Instead I bit my tongue and walked away from the appointment feeling confused, proud and ashamed – all at the same time. Her words kept playing on my mind long after I left the GP surgery.

And then not long after this incident, this happened:

During a routine check-up the nurse asked me to “hop on the scales” so she could check my weight. After asking whether I shouldn’t take off my coat and shoes –  and being told it didn’t matter –  I stepped cautiously onto the “sad step“, as Joe Wicks (AKA The Body Coach) calls it.

Cheerfully announcing its verdict aloud, she tapped the numbers into her computer before gently inquiring “whether my weight fluctuates very much?” It took me back a moment. When I mentioned having lost a considerable amount of weight these past few years, I saw her breathe a sigh of relief.

Congratulating me on my success, the nurse proceeded to ask questions about how I’d changed my food and fitness habits. She seemed genuinely pleased for me; interested in how I’d achieved such a dramatic lifestyle change.

 

And yet.

Whilst on the surface I was part of this seemingly sunny, light interaction between two almost-strangers, inside I was squirming; cringing because the number she’d so casually “thrown out into the air” had come back and smacked me full-on in the face.

Being told I’m just a few pounds heavier than the scales say at home made me feel instantly uncomfortable in my skin. My mind immediately reinterpreted these both of these strangers’ well-intentioned remarks, twisting them into criticisms and negative judgments. Rather than accepting the positive compliments being offeredby people for whom there’s no feasible agenda (other than being kind), I fell into a mental black hole.

Years after recovering from disordered eating (at least, as far as I believe one can recover from such things), it bothers me that a number on a scale, or a well-meaning comment from a stranger, still has the power to affect my day, and how I feel about myself. I jump on it as proof that I’m not good enough, instead of seeing the truth: that I’m still a work-in-progress, like every other human being who ever walked the planet’s surface.

It’s frustrating and disheartening to recognise that inside my mind, there are times when I still walk through a mental hall of mirrors, my distorted image reflected back to me from all angles.

However. No more.

I cannot emphasise strongly enough how much hard work it’s taken to recover. There was no quick fix; just years of graft and a lot of therapy. I’ve gained and lost over a hundred pounds in the past ten years or so. My body and I have been through a lot of sh*t together! Still, I’ve become so much happier, healthier, and more emotionally resilient in this time that I’ve decided:

I’ve had enough of feeling bad about myself.

I’vehad enough of not feeling good enough.

Evoking the spirit of my self-help guru, Tony Robbins:

“If you want to change your life you have to raise your standards.”

Tony Robbins

Though I’m becoming better, I’ve continued to hold myself to the wrong kinds of standards; those which prove unhelpful and out of alignment with my beliefs and values.  Instead I need to raise my standards of self-acceptance, which requires intentionally tuning into the myriad positive influences which already surround me. I don’t need to accept negativity – not from others, and certainly not from myself.

And look!

Despite everything, here we are – body, mind, and soul – writing this post and feeling pretty damn healthy and happy! When I consider how much progress I’ve made in improving my relationship with food, fitness, and body image, I want to celebrate – not denigrate – my achievements.

In the spirit of vulnerability, I’m daring to publish this minimally made-up post-gym selfie of myself

Hence why today I’m sharing my “Declarations of Sheer Fabulousness”; my personal manifesto of why I’m proud of my progress in the area of health and fitness. Even just putting the word “proud” in the same sentence as “health and fitness” makes me cringe a little and that’s precisely why I’m making this public statement: I believe that we all deserve to speak out about our successes rather than pointing out our own imperfections. In so doing we’re modelling to the next generation that it’s perfectly okay to be happy with who you are, and what you’ve accomplished; that we’re all already enough.

 

HeatherED’s

Declarations of Sheer Fabulousness

Declaration #1: I’m inspiring because I’ve become my own role model

After spending the month of May working on my Role Model Challenge (RMC) I’m thinking about modelling success more often. Listening to Ashley Graham – who happens to be a model professionally – recommend we work on becoming our own role models, I now feel confident saying that I’m becoming this for myself. When I stop to consider all I’ve achieved, I’ve set myself some pretty stellar examples of how to become better; there’s a positive precedent for future me.

Mentally and physically I’m a fit, healthy, and happy thirty-something woman. My body and mind are my own creation; the result of my personal efforts, determination, commitment, and hard work. I’m incredibly proud of myself for having sought out support to help me get into great mental shape, and at the same time working on getting into great physical shape, too. Independent of any weight-loss group, personal trainer, and definitely no personal chef (!), over the past four or five years I’ve taken action and radically improved my lifestyle.

Still, in situations like those described earlier I’m uncomfortable with how I think strangers see me. Other people only see the end result; not the graft that’s gone into getting to my goals which is what can frustrate me. What’s more, they only see the physical stuff. They don’t even begin to see the effort that’s gone into becoming mentally better. Yet by focusing on being a positive example for myself, I know what I’ve done and that’s enough.

Declaration #2: I’m fabulous because I’m a body builder

(Like Arnie. Sort of.)

As I’ve said, I’ve literally built myself a “new” body this past few years. It’s taken time, and by no means have I achieved perfection, but what I have done is sculpt a slim, muscular, and feminine body. Through fitness I’ve discovered I’m a strong, powerful woman. I’m excited when I lift heavy at the gym because I know I’m becoming better. I can walk up steep hills that previously left me breathless (and not because I was loving the view…). I’m actually proud of what I can do in this body rather than focusing solely on what it looks like.

I’m giving myself permission to take the full credit for my transformation, so to speak. Having taken responsibility for my prior failings around food and fitness, it seems unfair not to give myself the credit for the good stuff, too. This process of learning to accept my accomplishments is phrased poetically by Geneen Roth; my most favourite writer on women’s relationships with food, fitness and body image:

“You will never stop wanting more until you allow yourself to have what you already have. To take it in. Savor it. Now is a good time to do that . . .”

Geneen Roth

 

Declaration #3: I’m amazing because I’ve learned to love the process. 

Essential for long-lasting change, I’ve learned to enjoy the process of being healthy and fit. In the past I’d pursued wellness only as a means to an end; that end usually being to become as thin as possible. I believed that thinness equalled perfection, purity, and somehow would make up for my never feeling good enough. This is a  faulty thinking pattern often found among those with disordered eating habits, but also surprisingly common within the population at learge.

After repeatedly falling into this particular mental trap one time too many, I was delighted to find myself falling in love with fitness for its own sake as I hit my thirties. Genuinely wanting to exercise because it makes me feel good, and not simply because it fulfils my eternal quest for thinness, is a completely new experience for me. I luxuriate in the day-after aches that signal a good workout. I appreciate how great it feels to push my body, testing its limits in a healthy way.

Learning to love the process of becoming fitter and healthier is a gift of greater self-confidence. I stand taller, less afraid of making mistakes and secure in the knowledge that if I can improve my skills in one area, I can improve in every area of my life.

 

 

Declaration #4: I’m powerful because I’ve achieved the Holy Grail of balance. 

Okay, so let’s caveat this by saying I’m by no means perfectly sorted, but in general terms I’m pretty balanced in my approach to wellness. As someone naturally inclined to extremes, I’m proud of toeing the line on this one. No longer a couch-potato , nor coming from the “clean-eating” brigade, I’ve learnt to occupy the middle ground. In pursuing this path, I’m pleased to say that not only am I becoming mentally fitter, but my body is also finding its own equilibrium.

In all honesty, it’s a bigger challenge for me to live a balanced lifestyle than it is to exist at either end of the healthy-living spectrum. Without over-indulging I don’t get the (temporary) relief that comes with giving in to a binge. Without heavily restricting myself, I don’t get the (equally temporary)  sense of pride that comes from demonstrating a superior capacity for self-control. Practically-speaking, at least for me, it’s actually harder to execute the carefully calibrated control needed to make balanced choices. It’s a struggle to stop myself leaning towards either extreme and instead hold the middle position.

However having tasted life either side of the fence, I truly believe that greater personal power comes from creating a balance that works for you. Accepting that I’ll never again be in my teens or early twenties, looking like a “Love Island” contestant in my bikini, is actually more freeing than it is disappointing.

My body’s not perfect, yet I’m still perfectly happy with who I am.

I’m working on loving my perfectly imperfect self, which I reckon means I’m already successful at taking a more balanced approach to life.

 

Declaration #5: I’m true to myself because I keep my promises. 

Being honest with myself about where I’m at is something  recovery taught me to practice. Some refer to this as authenticity or being true to yourself. As I’ve already said, appreciating who I am in the here-and-now is a lesson I’m still learning, but one thing I am grateful for is being able to trust that I will keep promises I make wholeheartedly to myself.

Trust is something that must be built. I’ve broken my body’s trust a million times in my life, and therefore it continues to be a long, slow process of rebuilding. Yet having already fulfilled my commitment to myself to make healthy, positive changes to my body (and my brain, come to think of it), I’ve re-started this process of trust-building. I’ve shown that I can rely upon myself to take my promises to heart. By repeatedly taking action over time I’ve made steady progress towards my health goals. Step-by-step I’ve achieved my ambitions and kept my promise that I would take better care of myself. It’s a massive achievement (pun totally intended)!

 

Declaration #6: I’m awesome because I’m becoming the master of my mind. 

In my experience, mental mastery proves significantly more challenging than physical change. There seems to be a time-lag in adjusting mentally to significant physical shift. When I first developed an eating disorder I’d see myself as far bigger than I truly was, whereas when I was overweight I frequently went into a state of denial as to how poor my health had become. Taking a more balanced approach to my well-being has necessitated giving my mind the time it needs to catch up and learn to see things from a more realistic perspective.

Not only is it challenging for our minds to play catch-up in this way, but our mental habits also prove significantly harder to break than their physical counterparts. I don’t think I’m alone in piling on the criticism, and judging myself way more harshly than anyone else ever would. Particularly when it comes to my body, I’m my own worst critic and can pick myself to pieces in record time.

Knowing how my mind works, I made a conscious (albeit reluctant) decision to loosen my control around food this year. I’ve a huge fear of fatness and worried that if I let go a little, I’d become immediately overweight. Specifically, I’m afraid the negative emotions I associate with “fatness” (such as depression, anxiety, and rejection) will come flooding back the moment I cease to control every aspect of my diet. At the same time, it takes a lot of time and energy to maintain a strict food and fitness regime; precious resources I could be investing in other important areas of my life like my relationships and in writing extremely long blog posts like this! Acknowledging the impact I have upon the people I love, I once again took Gabrielle Bernstein’s advice and chose love over fear.

Understandably then, I expected to feel devastated if – and realistically, when – the scales crept up, however slight that movement may be. In fact all the mental work I’ve done this past ten years to build my mind muscles has paid off. Speaking truthfully, whilst getting into better physical shape was and is a fantastic accomplishment,  what I really needed was to reshape and rebuild my mind. I needed to prove to myself that I can both do and be more than I ever thought possible, and the field of food and fitness has been a great place in which to practise this.

An awesome example of how I’ve become mentally fit is via working on my physical fitness. When I first attended a Body Max class as my local gym I hoped for a better body, but what I didn’t expect was to train my mind. I became a regular because I found a supportive environment; people with whom I felt safe to try and push myself, even if the first few (hundred!) times I fail. The pride that comes from doing my first proper push-up, or completing a hundred tricep dips alongside my classmates, makes me feel a million dollars! As I’ve become physically stronger, so too is my mind. Working out has given me faith in my own strengths, to be unafraid to things a try, and has ultimately helped me build emotional resilience. By mastering my physical health I’ve also mastered my mind, proving that physical and emotional fitness are intrinsically, positively linked.

The first roses opening their petals to the Summer sun inspire hope in me.

Phew! That’s one heck of a declaration to make!

So to bring this post to its conclusion, I’m working on making my mental hall of mirrors a little less scary. Though I still occasionally doubt what I see, more often these days I catch a glimpse of  my true self. I’m even starting to think I look like someone I might like to befriend.

One day I hope I won’t notice casual comments on my appearance. Perhaps I won’t be taken by surprise the next time I’m thrown an image-related curve-ball.  Until then, I’ll focus on how proud I am of myself – my body, mind, and spirit – because I made me – and I’ve done an exceptionally amazing job of it!

In sum, I’d stand by this beautiful quote from Geneen:

“It’s never been true, not anywhere at any time, that the value of a soul, of a human spirit, is dependent on a number on a scale.”

Geneen Roth

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